The term Single Mom & why I don't use it.

I do not label myself as a “Single Mom” even though I am a single mom.

When using the term “Single Mom” we often think about a poor (broke) woman who gets no help and is struggling to make ends meet and somehow is so hurt by her past, and God knows how she’s raising her child/ children. It denotes weakness and kind of sounds like you are a “victim” of the situation.

Let me just say this, while yes this might be true for some, it is not the case for most and I will go right ahead and get into my case which is similar to most.

No… I did not get pregnant by mistake with someone I had no intentions of being with. I had a child with someone I was with for 6 years, someone who I married but unfortunately it didn’t work out. After all, shit happens! Some women put up with stuff just because they had a child with someone. I did not want to stay after the trust was gone, knowing I was going to be miserable. Maybe I could have stayed and who knows? maybe things would have worked out? ( yeah, right…) the main reason I left was because I did not want my daughter growing up under the same roof as two unhappy people. So you could say I became a “single mom” by choice, and I’ve never questioned or doubted my decision. It’s is true, a single mom sacrifices her social and financial independence, but when you are a mother (wether single, married, divorced or widowed) this is something that you are willing to give because after all your child/children come before anything.

The things that come to mind when you think about “Single Moms” are:

Finances: How is she going to be able to survive alone with a child/children?

I have worked since I was 16 years old. I have always taken care of myself, so even though I knew it was going to be a harder to have my own place, take care of all my bills, make sure we have food/ clothes and not feel like we are living paycheck to paycheck… I knew this was something I could do on my own and I was going to take pride in doing so. I work my butt off and let me just say, since I left my now ex-husband I have never felt more financially stable than now. I have a great job, great schedule, and I’m able to take care of everything without once ever feeling as if I’m struggling. Do not get me wrong, I know that this is not the case for every single mom out there, but where there is a will there is a way, and mommas you can do this!

Relationships:

Often we see single moms and think “who is going to be with her with all the baggage that she carries? (children, divorce, ex’s)”… as a single mom I thought the same, how hard it was going to be to find someone who will embrace me AND my daughter? (who at the time was less than 1 year old), but there is hope y’all.

You just need to know exactly what you want and not make it a priority to find “the one”. It happens when you least expect it, keep in mind that you are not looking for a father to your kid (even if your child’s father isn’t in the picture). You are looking for a partner for yourself and someone who could be a good example around your child/children.

I am happy to say that I am in a very healthy relationship with someone who not only embraced me for who I am but who also embraced my daughter. The key is to be good on your own before you try to be with someone else.

A little tip: Do not try to get in a relationship to find some sort of financial help… man up to your situation and the right guy will be so attracted to your hustle that it will just be icing to the cake.

The only person that is going to give you the security and the life you want is YOU.

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Poor child, being raised by a Single mom:

I will never want my daughter to feel less than any other child just because her parents are not together, I felt this when I told my dad that I was divorcing my then husband. I felt as if my dad was feeling sorry for my daughter, as if her life was ruined. In a way, I get it… Ideally, you would raise your children with their father under the same roof, but sometimes it does not work out that way. My daughter is the happiest child, she has so many loving people in her life including her mother AND father, yes! We might not be under the same roof and we might not love each other, but one thing is for sure… we adore this little girl and we will do everything and anything for her. That said, there is absolutely no need to feel sorry for my child. 

Again, this is my situation. I know there are many single moms who deal with a father who wants nothing to do with their child. The only thing I could say since I have not lived with that myself is: do NOT use that as a reason to make others feel sorry for you! Maybe it was a bad decision, but now you have to handle it as the big girl you are. I would much rather have someone not be a part of my child’s life if they are just going to be a bad influence to them or to force someone to be there just because they are the biological father.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are more than enough for your child!

The point of all of this is that I do not like to use the label “Single Mom” to have others feel sorry for me or my child. I am doing just fine, actually better than I was when I was married. It all comes with the experiences we go through as we are maturing and getting to know ourselves even better. Mothers are mothers. Whether you are married, single, divorced, dating… It really doesn’t matter because a mother will do everything she needs to do to make sure her children are safe and happy. So when you come across a “single mom”, don’t think of  it as something negative, because in most cases, it is nothing negative at all.  

Remember: life is tough but so are you, babe!